As we lay in bed, inches apart from each other, it felt like we were decades away. The pain, hurt, lies and betrayal could have filled a canyon two miles wide. Him standing on one side, wanting so bad to make it work, while I was on the other side knowing deep in my heart the relationship had been damaged beyond repair.
He took a breath in and I realized there were only a limited number of nights left for me to listen to his breathing while he slept. Our relationship had almost reached it’s expiration date.What I had wanted for so long had finally happened. I was finally there with him. The famous saying was right. Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. But the plans had been set in motion and the train was going so fast. I didn’t see a way out.
We forged the path to happily ever after together. Holding hands, talking about marriage, making plans; maybe because we really meant it (and at times I think we did) or maybe because we assumed that that’s what 20-somethings did. We assumed that after being together for almost three years that’s what people did. They moved in together, they tried to build a life together; even if it wasn’t the life envisioned. There is a danger in making plans, talking about the future, because most don’t think about what happens when that future falls through. What is left, in your mind, is this blue print of what you life was supposed to be like with this other person. And if this blue print isn’t going to come to be, what will happen?
Relationships sometimes fail and if they don’t fail, you get married. It’s a morbid way to look at it, but it’s the truth. Sometimes when I look at us, I think to myself that I have friends that are married and have been together for a much shorter time then we have. It makes me question whether walking away is the right thing to do. But the truth is: more often than not I have thought about walking away. I have thought there is more to life and love than being in an unhealthy relationship.
But people get comfortable and it’s hard to walk away. It’s hard to turn your back on someone that you love, so that you can love yourself more. If you don’t love yourself, it’s going to be hard to love others. I have been trying to remember the day before him for the past couple of weeks and I lost that memory somewhere along the way. What I do remember and know is I am not the same person I was three years ago. I have changed and evolved. I will continue to do those things with or without him.
The world and life are scary places to try to forge alone. The hope is, however, that you won’t always be alone. That the pain won’t last forever and the love you shared will eventually disappear, but you will always love that person. When I look at him, I wonder who will be the next to love him. Will they love him the way I did? If I am not going to be his wife, who will be?
Those are questions for another day. It’s time for me to build my own blue print for what I see my life being.
married people aren’t always in relationships that won’t fail… sometimes they just fail later. and even just typing that makes me sad, i don’t think of it as failure. if you guys couldn’t work it out, you should be together. i don’t think that’s a bad thing necessarily. because there will be another relationship, one that works out for both of you. and that’s what’s important. you both need to be happy or else it will never work.
i believe you’ll be able to look back on this and be reassured that it was the best decision you guys could make. things can only get better for you, and that’s what you deserve! don’t settle for anything less.
welcome to your new beginning! You are so, so strong for taking these steps. You’re right that it’s hard, and you’ll doubt yourself and wonder what you were thinking. At times. In your heart, though, you know it was by far the best path, and that’s what will get you through. Strong & beautiful Itty, hang in there.